My secret…

Hey all, 

So! I have a secret to share with all my readers, it’s something I have felt very ashamed to admit but deep down I’m sure there are other moms out there that felt the way I did…

So,  here I go…

“In my last pregnancy, I wasn’t attached to my baby, and I felt nothing..nothing but guilt”

It’s true.. Nothing I’m proud of..but it is the truth and I can’t sit here blogging about motherhood if I’m not honest. 

  
Firstly, can I just say, for the first time ever, I didn’t know the gender of my baby; and this made it soo hard for me to bond. At every scan I left disappointed with my decision because stupidly I agreed for a surpise when I mentally couldn’t handle it. I needed to know what it was so I could start imagining who it would be and where it would fit in..

Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the idea of having a 3rd child but just couldn’t imagine him with his siblings, I couldn’t imagine having another nappy to change and the last seat filled with a little person in the back of my car. It’s stupid I know, but I just couldn’t imagine it which meant I never got the chance to build a relationship in my mind of me a him. I never got the chance to bond….I never dreampt about him, I never bought anything for him. I acknowledged the pregnancy but not him as an individual.. He was there (in my tummy) I was here (In real life) and I felt soo guilty. I felt soo guilty I wrote him a poem because I truly loved and cared for  him but it was just harder this time to imagine how our life’s would be intertwined..

Here it goes…

I don’t Wna forget this feeling, Sometimes we get so caught up in the discomfort that we forget to cherish the beauty. To bear a child in my stomach. To feel u kick, to feel u squirm, to feel every stretch and every hiccup, I am blessed. You may be my last and I don’t ever want to forget this feeling. I love you, I don’t kno you yet but I love you. I have an idea of ur character. You are not like the others you are quiet and shy. But I can sense you are strong. Not knowing your gender has not brought me joy but has brought me patience. I must b patient with you I understand this. Nonetheless I never want to forget this blessing and all that I am feeling. Never….. 

Because I had to be patient, I just couldn’t bond. I knew I loved him but I stuggled to imagine him and cherish the experience. I can honestly say…I had soo much emotion and guilt during that pregnancy and I didn’t know how to express it. 

Even after finding out his gender at the birth…I was comfused and surprised it was another boy but I honestly remember thinking on that operating table.. “That was not worth the wait, and it’s made me no happier finding out now after 9 months of suspense because I wasted a whole pregnancy struggling to bond” 

And then I saw him! This strong chunky little boy, he never even cried he just looked at me…..Everything I wrote in the poem was true..He was/is quiet and shy.  My “mini muffin” was here and instantly I knew him, and he gets me….from the moment he was conceived he understood my pain, guilt and stuggles and that’s probably why he’s been the easiest baby. I couldn’t imagine him fitting into my little life and somehow he’s managed to slip in quietly and perfectly. 

  
Not finding out the gender was a huge mistake for me! I would love to know your experiences or intentions regarding revealing your baby’s gender. 

Don’t forget to like, comment and follow for more posts from the Rosebuds 

Take care 

Asahela 

Xxx

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25 Comments Add yours

  1. erikafrose says:

    Big hugs. I may have felt something, but I was horribly ill. The second I went numb trying to care for my first baby. They ate 18 months apart. You have a beautiful family. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is raw and beautiful – loved it and congrats on your 3 beautiful little ones.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Aww thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed x

      Like

  3. Love! I’m having a little fear around how my second will fit in with our little family…I can’t imagine loving another human as much as I love my one year old!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      I was feeling exactly the same when I was pregnant with my 2nd! I honestly couldn’t comprehend loving another child and I was terrified that I couldn’t love him as much as I loved my daughter..and then he was born and I finally understood that you really are capable of loving them equally and the love will jus keep on growing as they get older. Then you realise it’s ok to love more then one child at a Time because it not something you can even explain….it just happens..
      Thanks soo much for reading hun. All the best with your pregnancy and birth xx

      Like

  4. MARI says:

    Biggg hugs girl when I was pregnant with my daughter my pregnancy was amazing no pregnancy throw ups or anything I was just pregnant lol and I didn’t blow up till after my last two months. The whole time I thought I was having a boy just because my belly was so round then I found out I was having a girl I cried my eyes out because secretly I wanted a girl but also wanted a big brother for my little girl later on but I could the happier with my babygirl she’s my everything 💕 now we’re trying for baby #2 and I could the more excited. God bless your sweet little guy he is beautiful and your doing just fine mommy he knows you love him.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Thank you for reading Hun! Oh do keep us posted on the pregnancy when it happens. I absolutely love mommy blogs! Are u hoping for a particular gender this time round?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. MARI says:

        Hoping for a boy lol but if it’s a girl that’ll be great as well cause I still have a lot of my daughters clothes 😊👍🏼. And always will keep my #blogfamily posted.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Asahela says:

        Having a girl would be easier because you can just use all your old stuff..I did with my son just incase he was a boy..which he was lol. It is lovely to have a son though. Both my boys are mommys boys which I get soo much pleasure out of. My daughter is defo a daddy’s girl lol x

        Like

      3. MARI says:

        Lol my daughters a daddy’s girl as well she’s only two but she is verrrryyy spiked by mommy lol I let her get away with a lot 😩 but I wanna just have the experience to have a cute little man in the house

        Liked by 2 people

  5. doriandean says:

    My first child was like this for me… then I had postpartum depression on top of that. It was so hard with so much guilt, but after my postpartum went away, the clouds lifted and there was my beautiful little girl waiting for me. She is my hero and my heart, we just had to wait until the right moment to completely be able to click.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Thank you for reading and your comment it’s so warming to know I wasn’t alone in my feelings x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lucy Sefton says:

    Thank you for sharing – Not many mommy’s are confident enough to admit or open up about the emotional sides of being a mum/mum to be. Nobody want to be labelled a bad mum or feel ashamed so they pent it up and sit with a pile of guilt. The fact that you managed to type it out for the world to see is great and should open up the pathway for mums to admit and stop trying to be perfect. 🙂
    Great post.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Thanks hun! I decided I have to be honest about my experiences as a mother…the good and the bad… I really do hope other mothers will be able to open up a bit more. X

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Carrie Bostic says:

    What a touching story! Thank you for being honest and brave enough to share with us.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Thank you for reading hun xx

      Like

  8. We didn’t find out the gender with our first but I “knew” she was a girl. We found out gender with our second but again, I already “knew” it was a boy. I feel guilty admitting that I wanted another girl. I didn’t “know what to do” with a boy. Had no desire to look for boy clothes and I love to shop for baby things! However….the second he was born and I held him in my arms, he was EXACTLY what I wanted. He drives me to the brink of insanity most days but I adore him with all my heart.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Thank you for sharing your experience! I know exactly the feeling your talking about when you held him in your arms. It’s soo amazing how much us mums have in common x

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This is so incredibly honest and brave! I know I’m the same way – which is why I insist on knowing gender even when my husband wanted a surprise. I know myself and I needed that bonding which came with knowing how the new family dynamics would be. Thanks you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      Thank you for reading. It’s really nice knowing that others understand how I felt or felt the same way. X

      Like

  10. Sophie says:

    Such a beautiful post, thank you for sharing

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Omg this is exactly like reading about my last pregnancy. I did know the gender, but life was so stressful. My partner and I were having a lot of problems, I lost my job which created financial problems and alongside that I was trying to grow a baby! I didn’t know how I would love him. I didn’t feel any anticipation or excitement. Even seeing him on the scans left me cold. Then he was born and everything changed. He is amazing and has brought so much joy to our lives. I’m so glad your story ended happily too xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I did know the gender of our second child, and I still felt this way. But I think it was more nerves for me. Our first is very strong willed; I was scared of what would happen to her when the baby came. She had always had me to herself… Sometimes it’s so hard to feel like we’re doing anything right for our kids, or ourselves.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Asahela says:

      I know that feeling exactly! I was soo scared and nerveous when I had my second! I didn’t know what to expect from my daughter and it was soo hard to imagine. X

      Like

  13. Nan Mykel says:

    Great blog nd comments!

    Like

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